I Tried
by Aya Rose
Summary: Maria tries alot of things. Some she just can't seem to pull off right. Femslash, Shoujo Ai: Don't like, don't read.


Guess what I don't own?

If you said Braceface, you'd be right. But if you said 'Not a damn thing!' You'd be right and get 300 bonus points! (and 12 Happy Points)

**There will be Homosexual based plots.**

This is not a maybe situation. Do not think this will change if you flame hard enough. I do not care, I do not have to care.

**This is not porn.**

Really, what's the good taste in wasting time on porn when you could be doing angst? Really now, even a good PWP doesn't have porn in it.

**This is the beginning:**

* * *

I really did try you know.

It wasn't love at first sight. I don't even think that can happen any more. Not in any way that ends off well anyhow. Love at first sight is based almost entirely on pheromones and physical structure, not really things to build a lasting relationship on if you think about it too hard. Probably really great sex for a while though.

No, it was much much simpler. I just became her friend because I found her 'Interesting'.

Interesting is a funny word. It's something that's just enough out of the ordinary to draw your attention. Sharon was interesting. Extremely klutzy. Not all the time mind you, just in sudden, almost violent bursts of klutziness. Beyond what would be normal for a growth spurt. It was... entrancing.

And that's where I made my first mistake. I didn't even realize it could be love till much later. If I blamed her for every problem in my life like Nina did, I'd have some where to focus all my energy. If I could burn up all my attraction to her in burning righteous fury like Nina does, I'd be a lot better off. But I can't. Sharon is my friend, and that's just the way it is.

So the Hatred track couldn't work. Out of the running pretty easily really. Just because I liked her as a person first, hatred would be counter productive.

For almost 5 minutes I tried a journal. A secret book where I could write all my secrets. Of course, I gave that up before I even started. Knowing Sharon, either by Obsessive Compulsive Episode or complete accident, she'd be reading it some time. So that option was not viable either.

So I tried something else, random crushes. Just because I kinda liked one girl, didn't mean I couldn't like a guy right? Connor was right out, that would be like dating a sibling.

So I went from guy, to guy, to guy. Sharon tried to set me up a few times, and those really hurt. What do you say when someone you're crushing on tries to set you up on a date? "Gee, thanks. But I really didn't need that knife in my back?" There are just some situations that the English language is not equipped to handle. So, with the dating scene in high school I was pretty much coming up with a big goose egg. Some guys were kind of interesting, most were not. And somehow always I'd find myself comparing them to her.

Her eyes. Her hair. The way she starts fidgeting just before an episode (the psychotic type). Her tone of voice when apologizing after an episode. The guys all had something I didn't like with them. Maybe I was just being picky. Maybe I needed to widen my playing field. Maybe I just needed to stop trying so hard.

So then I tried to cut myself off from her cold turkey. She noticed. I was only able to go a day without her before she was trying to join in on my activities. Skiing did not agree with her. Her not agreeing with skiing caused us to not agree with a tree (silly tree didn't move out of the way). So we got to spend some time in the hospital together.

At that point, I tried giving up. No dating, no relationships, no nothin'. That surprisingly worked for a little bit. I think. Sharon stopped trying to fix me up on dates, people stopped asking me out, interpersonal relationships stopped being an important topic in our circle.

Then the dreams started. Oh god the dreams.

The one with ballroom dancing was the worst. Myself in black, Sharon in white, just the slightest thought of the dream would send my heart fluttering. It still does. It wasn't the only dream, just the loudest, and most reoccurring one. Some would be twisted versions of memories, like dancing in Sharon's house while she read off history facts to me, usually ending with a hug, or a kiss that wasn't really there the when the memory really happened. All the build up only to wake up alone, with the knowledge that it never happened, and probably would never happen.

I tried reading to distract me. Eastern philosophy has a concept that the entire universe is made up of two base elements, Yin and Yang. Yin is the feminine force, everything cold, still, silent, and relaxed would be Yin. Yang is the masculine force, active, hot, loud, random. Everything in the universe has a little of both, and in general, is attempting to make themselves more balanced, as Yang things tend to be attracted to Yin things, and vice versa.

If you don't see the problem, I'll be blunt. Everything I read, kept making me think of her. For every thing I'm active about, she's passive. I like sports, she likes sleeping. She loves animals, I'm.. a bit apathetic about them.

I really don't know what's left to try. Everything so far has ranged from mildly ineffective to just completely wrong. I know love is suppose to be confusing, but I do have limits to how much I can take.

I wonder if they make a pill to fix it?

* * *

AN: This is the end. Is it the whole end? I dunno. Maybe, maybe not. But this is the universe I see. Maybe someone else does too?


End file.
